WE DID NOT MAKE OURSELVES

We did not make ourselves is one thing

I keep singing into my hands

while falling

asleep

for just a second

before I have to get up and turn on all the lights in the house, one after the

  other, like opening an Advent calendar

My brain opening

the chemical miracles in my brain

switching on

I can hear

dogs barking

some trees

last stars

You think you'll be missed

it won't last long

I promise

________

I'm not dead but I am

standing very still

in the back yard

staring at the maple

thirty years ago

a tiny kid waiting on the ground

alone in heaven

in the world

in white sneakers

I'm having a good time humming along to everything I can still remember

  back there

How we're born

Made to look up at everything we didn't make

We didn't

make grass, mosquitos

or breast cancer

We didn't make yellow jackets

or sunlight

either

_________

I didn't make my brain

but I'm helping

to finish it

Carefully stacking up everything I made next to everything I ruined in broad

  daylight in bright

  brainlight

This morning I killed a fly

and didn't lie down

next to the body

like we're supposed to

We're supposed to

Soon I'm going to wake up

Dogs

Trees

Stars

There is only this world and this world

What a relief

created

over and over.

-Michael Dickman

In the words of Tiny Tim...

Merry Christmas! Wishing you and yours a lovely laughter, family and peace filled holiday.

wish list

snow

It's been snowing in Portland.  The snow started on Sunday, while I was at work, and though I was an anxious wreck because of the possibility of being snowed in, I couldn't help but marvel about how beautiful snow truly is.  It blanketed the city with a lovely layer of sparkling white and everything got very quiet and peaceful.  

However, Portland does not handle snow well at all.  The city is essentially in a panic.  No, scratch that, the news media are doing their very best to send the city into a widespread panic.  They're calling this little snowstorm an "Arctic Blast" and advising people to not only stock up on all the essentials, get chains for their cars, and school has been cancelled all week.  Internet, there is not even an inch of snow on the ground, and it's mostly on the grass.  The streets are bare and it's not a problem getting anywhere.  Well, except for out of my apartment complex.  The managers seem to have taken the disaster mode to heart and instead of plowing the driveway and clearing the sidewalks, they are simply closing the driveway out and letting us handle the sidewalks ourselves.  This irritates me. Massively.  The snow/ice on the driveway has melted into a slush which is now so thick that my car cannot make it out.  I'm essentially stuck here unless I want to take the bus everywhere.  Gah!  Snow is not the end of the freaking world!!!!!

Okay. Rant over.  Here is a picture of snow from the University of Idaho campus.  Oh Moscow, how I love you and your ability to handle inclement weather.

baby toes

Anyone who spends any time with me, or watches me interact with children for any amount of time knows that I'm not particularly child friendly.  It's not that I'm kid hater or refuse to spend time with them, it's just that they make me uncomfortable if one is forced to spend more than 30 minutes with them.  Plus kids don't understand sarcasm, and I speak mostly sarcasm.  

I could continue with the litany of why I don't enjoy children, but it's making me feel particularly Grinch-like, and I don't like that.

Much to my mother's disappointment, I have not yet experienced the urge to bring a child into the world.  I spent several hours (approx 150) in the labor and delivery ward during nursing school, and let me tell you, if I ever do become pregnant they'd better come up with a new way to get the baby out.  Seriously. I have no doubt that at some point this desire will grab hold of me, and I will likely respond with a very loud "what the F*$*!?!?!?"  

Anyway, my dear friend, J, had a baby on the 2nd.  She's probably my favorite person to work with, she's very laid back, has a fantastic sense of humor and is really just a wonderful person.  I went to see her and the little baby today and it was wonderful.  Babies are so inherently sweet.  You can't help but want to cuddle them.  And I did.  For almost an hour and a half.  I loved his little teeny toes, and little tiny fingers and his faux-hawk. Mostly I love how babies look like little concerned old men, little frogs and peanuts all wrapped up in one.  Watching her interact with her baby kind of made me understand how wonderful it would be to have one.  

But I do really enjoy my sleep and virtually responsibility free lifestyle.  I guess my point is that, I like knowing that I have that capacity in me.  Sometimes I feel like I let the snark, sarcasm and general pessimistic worldview take me over, and it's nice to know that all it takes is holding a sweet tiny baby to make me melt.

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with a muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.

Put crepe bows round the necks of the public doves,

Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-W.H. Auden

oh the guilt...

I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to say it. 

There are such sensitive ethical dilemmas that are an inherent part of nursing that I don't deal with like I should.  Instead of letting my self truly explore and understand how I feel about a certain situation, I tend to shut it out.  I don't let my self think about it, put it from my mind and think my pretty pink and blue thoughts.   This is not unusual, this is how I tend to deal with most emotion.  I usually don't let my self truly feel things until the dam breaks, and then any and all emotions come rushing out at once.

This is how I feel right now.

One of the most ethically complicated patients that I've ever dealt with died last night.  And now I'm feeling every emotion that I've been suppressing since June.  And I'm sitting in a coffee shop.  I just keep replaying the last interaction I had with him over and over in my head.  I think the guilt is going to overwhelm me.