WE DID NOT MAKE OURSELVES

We did not make ourselves is one thing

I keep singing into my hands

while falling

asleep

for just a second

before I have to get up and turn on all the lights in the house, one after the

  other, like opening an Advent calendar

My brain opening

the chemical miracles in my brain

switching on

I can hear

dogs barking

some trees

last stars

You think you'll be missed

it won't last long

I promise

________

I'm not dead but I am

standing very still

in the back yard

staring at the maple

thirty years ago

a tiny kid waiting on the ground

alone in heaven

in the world

in white sneakers

I'm having a good time humming along to everything I can still remember

  back there

How we're born

Made to look up at everything we didn't make

We didn't

make grass, mosquitos

or breast cancer

We didn't make yellow jackets

or sunlight

either

_________

I didn't make my brain

but I'm helping

to finish it

Carefully stacking up everything I made next to everything I ruined in broad

  daylight in bright

  brainlight

This morning I killed a fly

and didn't lie down

next to the body

like we're supposed to

We're supposed to

Soon I'm going to wake up

Dogs

Trees

Stars

There is only this world and this world

What a relief

created

over and over.

-Michael Dickman