oh the guilt...

I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to say it. 

There are such sensitive ethical dilemmas that are an inherent part of nursing that I don't deal with like I should.  Instead of letting my self truly explore and understand how I feel about a certain situation, I tend to shut it out.  I don't let my self think about it, put it from my mind and think my pretty pink and blue thoughts.   This is not unusual, this is how I tend to deal with most emotion.  I usually don't let my self truly feel things until the dam breaks, and then any and all emotions come rushing out at once.

This is how I feel right now.

One of the most ethically complicated patients that I've ever dealt with died last night.  And now I'm feeling every emotion that I've been suppressing since June.  And I'm sitting in a coffee shop.  I just keep replaying the last interaction I had with him over and over in my head.  I think the guilt is going to overwhelm me.