I somehow ended up with a free 45-day subscription to the newspaper. And so, since I am currently enjoying a week off from work, I read the paper every morning. I sit on the couch and drink my coffee and read the newspaper. It makes me feel deliciously adult for about 20 minutes until I get to the comics section. Sometimes they’re the only part of the paper that I can read without getting incurably sad.
I feel sad a lot these days. Actually I feel a wide range of emotions every single day, which is unusual for me because I usually try to control and suppress emotion. I would make an excellent WASP. But I’m not. I’m just repressed. Well except for now. Now I’m feeling the emotions, though I seem to be putting on a pretty good front for the people around me. It’s bizarre to me, having people say that I seem so calm and collected all of the time. I don’t feel that way, I usually feel as though I’m running in a thousand different directions at once and like I don’t know which way is up.
That’s exactly how I feel now. Like I don’t know which way is up. Like I don’t know if I’m happy that I moved to Portland, if I’m happy at my job. If I like my job. I just feel a roller coaster every day. I know the only thing I truly feel is that I have no business being a nurse. I don’t feel smart enough to do this job. I feel like I learned nothing at school. And I know, intellectually that I am smart enough for this job, and that what I’m feeling is very common for all graduate nurses, it just makes me feel very very vulnerable. I’m not used to feeling like I could fail at something.
It’s not that I’m unhappy, because I’m not. I’m just not used to all this emotion I guess. It’s been a big summer though. Lots of change. Lots of life changing events. Some, even, that I’m not ready to deal with yet.
I never know how to end blogs. Or e-mails. Or telephone conversations for that matter. So I’ll just leave you all with my usual and brief “okay, bye.”